The Toddler Handbook

When a friend of mine recently commented that I gave her the same advice on a particular situation as her mother gave her, I joked that when you become a mother, you are given a handbook with all the textbook mom advice. While there may be no Mom Advice Handbook (as much as I wish something like that did exist), I am starting to wonder if there is a Toddler Handbook that is passed out to children once they reach a certain age. Or maybe toddlers just sit around at daycare talking in what seems like gibberish to us, but they are actually doling out tricks of the trade, a la Look Who's Talking.

The most interesting development in Toddlerdom is Ellie's keen procrastination skills. See, once children realize that they are missing out on the fun stuff (packing tomorrow's lunch and watching Grey's Anatomy) after they go to bed, you begin the epic "But I don't want to go to bed" battle that probably lasts until they are in high school. Of course, Elise can't quite verbalize her desire to stay up a little longer yet, so she has begun to take the much craftier approach: thirst. Yes, it seems that every night right before it's time for bed Ellie gets struck with a sudden and dramatic urge to quench her limitless thirst. As a parent, you feel obligated to give her some water, because really even prisoners get that right. So, we hand her a sippy cup and she slowly raises it to her lips and takes the tiniest of sips before pulling back and making a comment about Elmo or pointing out the elephant on the blanket. "Yes, yes, that is an elephant. Are you all done with the water?" we ask impatiently (as there are lots of lunch items to get in order) It's always a very quick "No!" and sippy cup immediately goes back into her mouth for a lingering slow motion drinking session that probably yields less than a mouth full of water. Seriously, how does a 16 month old know to do this? I thought that those were pure 3 year old tactics. I think she's been hanging out on the playground with an older crowd. Or just reading up in the Toddler Handbook.

Another bizarre Toddler phenomenon that Ellie has recently picked up is adding "ie" to everything. Why do toddlers do that anyway? I guess once the novelty of talking starts to wear off on the parents, the toddler feels the need to try to cute it up again or something. To toddlers, suddenly doll becomes dolly, horse becomes horsey and so on. Among other things, Ellie has taken to saying "upie" instead of "up", "Opie" instead of "Opa" (her grandfathers) and my personal favorite "uh-ohie" instead of "uh-oh." Sure, it's sort of cute now, but I hope she outgrows it at the appropriate developmental time. There is a very fine line between cute toddler "ie" and annoying baby-like kid "ie".

The final classic toddlerism that Elise has picked up are the tantrums. It's like they watch video showing the detailed play-by-play: This is how you should scream when you don't get your way. This is how you should kick your legs once you have fallen to the ground stop-drop-and-roll style when they try to make you walk somewhere you don't want to go. This is how you should hit inanimate objects when you're frustrated or hear the word "no." Urgh. It may be textbook, but no one in all these years has figured out how to prevent it from happening. I am hoping that she goes ahead and gets it all out so she can reach her tantrum peak early. That way we can have patience and bliss for the remaining toddler years. Yeah, right!

I will be on the look out for that Mom Advice Book. Maybe there are some good tips in there.